Birthday suit, the full monty, in the buff, bare bootied, au natural, nudie cazootie, nekkid, whatever the heck you want to call it, I’m talking about getting naked! Now, for those of us who aren’t Gisele, the very prospect of getting naked can be downright terrifying. Veins, dimples, chub, errant hairs, as Cathy from the Cathy comics would say “Ack!” But, ladies getting naked shouldn’t give you (more) grey hairs. I swear, it’s not that bad. Not to get all hippy-dippy on you, but the naked body is a glorious thing to behold, so chill out, and study my guide to looking good with nothing on!
Don’t start comparing. You are not going to look like Gisele, you are not going to look like your friend Sue at the PTA, you are not going to look like me, you are not going to look like anyone but you, so stop. Seriously, stop it.
Fake and bake. I have never in my 26 years (shut up) met anyone who doesn’t feel a little better, thinner, taller, and more toned with a tan. You can go all out and get a professional spray tan or try your hand at a faux-glow yourself. There are a full range of prices and products to suit all budgets and preferences. Aside from making you feel thinner, a fake tan will also do wonders to even out your pasty skin, and cover up all manner of sins.
Do a couple pushups. I’m not kidding. Before bikini and figure competitors take to the stage (aside from getting the craziest spray tan you’ve ever seen) they do a few exercises to make their muscles pop. Do a couple body weight exercises to get the blood flowing before you make your big reveal.
Have a glass of wine. Heck, have two. Whatever you have to do to take the edge off, do it, provided it’s legal of course. Feel better yet? If yes, great, if no try some more wine.
Throw on some heels. OK, so maybe if you put shoes on you’re not technically naked, but just go with it. I’m not suggesting you do this to conform to some sort of porn ideal of whoever you are getting naked in front of, but because heels make you stand up a little taller and straighter, they help you get your shoulders back and chest out, and they lift your legs and bum.
Do a little pruning. Hey, I’m not advocating you go to Brazil if you’re not into it, but for crying out loud clean yourself up a little please. The very least you can do is shave your legs and pits, but it wouldn’t kill you to touch up your bikini line.
Fake it till you make it. Appearing comfortable in your own skin sans clothes in really no different than having clothes on. You need to carry yourself like you know you look good and no one can tell you different. Even if you’re kind of dying inside you need to walk into a room like you own the joint, even if you’re not wearing any pants.
Repeat step four. Have another glass of wine. Go ahead, I won’t tell. But if it’s red wine do yourself a favor and check for purple teeth.
Who’s ready to take all their clothes off? I am! I am! And you should be too. There are a million things in the world to stress over; stripping down to your birthday suit should not be one of them. So take a deep breath, take off your pants, and strut your stuff!