Editor’s Note: The following is a guest post from psychotherapist Jonathan Alpert.

I often have female patients seeing me because they can’t achieve an orgasm when they are with their partners. They’ve read the Kama Sutra from cover to cover, they’ve taken so-called herbal remedies, heck, some have even gotten their hands on Viagra and tried that. Seeing me is usually their last ditch effort to try to fix things and usually after several visits to various medical professionals.

couple in bed

I start the session with one simple question: Can you bring yourself to orgasm? The answer is usually a resounding “yes.” This proves to be diagnostic. You see, physically, these women are just fine. Their bodies respond to certain stimuli and are able to orgasm. This tells me that the issue is in their mind and how they think about sex, their partners, and themselves. Similar to fear and anxiety, by changing the way they think about a situation can make all the difference in the world.

Here’s how to achieve that glorious orgasm:

Rather than seeing this situation as a problem, see it as an opportunity: one to expand your sexual horizons and learn what works. Remember, you’ve already proven to yourself that an orgasm is biologically possible. So before tweaking your technique it is important to feel comfortable with your body telling yourself that you can enjoy an orgasm, while feeling good about taking care of your needs.

Know that the formula for a fulfilling orgasm with a non-mechanical device includes more than just an adjustment of speed and intensity. An emotional bond, closeness, comfort, being in-sync with each other’s bodies, and romance are critically important while popping Viagra is probably about as effective as eating cherries.

older couple together in bed

Accept the notion that sex is more than just a methodical process, and much of what stands between a toy-induced orgasm and one with your partner occurs in your head.

Do not focus solely on technique or the genital. This will only lead to anxiety and tension – both of which are incompatible with relaxing and letting yourself go.

Realize that there is more to sex than just penetration. Recognize the entire body as potentially feeling good and attempt to stimulate each other in ways you’ve yet to try.

couple in bed sex

By gently exploring each other and communicating your respective needs, you’ll help to lower inhibitions and feel more comfortable en route to that earth-shatteringly mind-numbing-orgasm.

In-content ad newsletter

jonathan alpert headshot
Jonathan Alpert is a Manhattan-based licensed psychotherapist, executive coach, columnist, and author of the book, “BE FEARLESS: Change Your Life in 28 Days.” The book is published in the US, UK, Germany, Brazil, Portugal, Spain, Japan, China, and Taiwan.  He has appeared on such nationally televised shows as TODAY, Good Morning America, CNN, FOX News, NBC Nightly News, and more. As a therapist, Jonathan counsels individuals and couples on a wide range of issues including relationships, depression, anxiety, and stress.