When I wrote “12 Things Women Think at the Gym” it was the first part of a two-parter.  The follow up piece was going to be “12 Things Guys Think at the Gym,” but guess what?  After talking to every single guy I know (and I know a lot, if you catch my drift) I still didn’t have 12 different thoughts.  Truth be told, I only had one thought, guy after guy after guy told me the same thing, what the heck?  So I had to do a little improvising. I had to put myself into a dude’s gym sneaks and walk around a bit.  My gym has a pretty high percentage of guys when I’m there, and for the past week or so I’ve been paying special attention to what the boys are saying and doing, reading between the lines to try to figure out what they’re thinking, and here’s what I’ve come up with.

1. My arms are getting jacked, I need to cut off my sleeves.  Maybe it’s just my gym (please God let it be just my gym) but I’ve noticed a sharp increase in the number of guys going sleeveless when they work out.  Why do we think that is?  I mean I prefer going sleeveless, but isn’t that kinda our thing?  And by “our thing” I mean us chicks. Are yoga pants next?  Because I really don’t think I can handle that.

2. We’re using the same weight, crap.  I recently had a trainer ask if his client could work in on the leg curl machine. I said sure (because I’m a good kid like that), and the trainer then said “look, you’re both using the same weight, I don’t even have to move the pin.” Ouch dude, very ouch.  No guy wants to be told he’s using the same weight as a chick, especially in front of said chick.  He looked like someone took his puppy away.

3. Oh hey, I’m just going to sweat all over this weight bench and then not wipe it up because people love my sweat and they all want to lay in it.  Is that what dudes who don’t wipe down equipment think?  I don’t know because I’m not gross.

4. Something, something, sports.  I have to assume guys think about sports at the gym because every gym I’ve been in has almost every TV on ESPN (side-note, the other TVs are almost always on The Food Network, what gives?) and dudes standing around watching it.  Hence dudes must think about sports, right?

5. Booties, booties everywhere.  Earlier I said that guys don’t have twelve different thoughts while they were at the gym.  According to literally every single man that I asked from age 19 on up had the exact same answer when I asked them what they thought about at the gym — lady bums.  Dudes just can’t stop thinking about chick’s cabooses. Instead of being offended, I’m honestly kind of relieved. I have like zero boobs, but I have bum for days, so that’s nice I guess.

If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, I guess it makes total sense that they have half as many thoughts as women working out.  Even if four of those five thoughts are completely made up by moi.  And let’s face it, as a bitter, single commitment-phobe who hasn’t had a real relationship in ages, I’m completely qualified to assume what dudes are thinking.