Just in case you’ve been living under a rock for the past couple weeks and don’t know what time of year it is, it’s almost Valentine’s Day! Time to show everyone we love just how much we love them by buying pink and red crap. I’m too lazy to look up how exactly it came to be, but isn’t it odd that we now use the feast day of a saint beheaded for assisting Christian prisoners and refusing to denounce his faith as a reason to celebrate courtly love? Anyway, Valentine’s Day seems to have wormed it’s way into our calendars as a ridiculous “holiday” who’s only purpose is to get dumb consumers to part with their hard earned money (says me and every other sad, bitter single gal). I mean can we all agree that Valentine’s Day is kind of silly? Even though I think it’s a dumb holiday (again, says me and every other sad, bitter single gal) it doesn’t mean I want those of you who will be getting gifts to get bad gifts (that’s because I want you to get nothing, like me). I honestly hope none of you get these crappy gifts.
A Consent Waiver. I don’t know what your boo has planned for V-day, but if you have to sign a consent waiver its either going to be weird, terrifying, terrifyingly weird, or weirdly terrifying.
A Dog. Dog’s are great. They’re adorable, loyal, and always happy to see you, basically everything a good significant other should be. My beef with a dog for Valentine’s Day is simply that no one wants to house train a dog in February, yuck. (photo credit)
Sex For Dummies, or some literary equivalent. Hey if your man buys you something like “The Karma Sutra” it’s his attempt to spice up things in the bedroom. If he buys you “Intercourse For Dummies” he’s basically saying you are terrible and he deserves a slap. (photo credit)
A Shovel. Ok, I know here in the Northeast we just got pummeled by a storm, but a shovel? Come on! Functional gifts are no fun, but if you really get a storm-related gift, I at least hope it’s a cute pair of snow boots or earmuffs. (photo credit)
A Weight Watchers Membership. No offense to WW, they help out a lot of ladies, but I don’t care if you have complained about the size of your butt every day since New Year’s and have said at least 30 times “I think I’m going to sign up for Weight Watchers”. No one wants a WW membership on February 14th. I think I would strangle a dude if he gave me that. Nah, I’d probably just be so relieved to have a man I would say I loved it. (photo credit)
A Copy of “He’s Just Not That Into You”. If a guy gives you a copy of this book he’s probably dropping a not so subtle hint, right? Like it’s the ultimate passive aggressive move. He wants you to put two and two together but he doesn’t have the stones to dump you. (photo credit)Homemade Coupons. Yes, it’s adorable when your five year old gives you a coupon for washing the dishes, but a grown man giving you a coupon for a backrub? Girl, please. If a guy honestly thinks a back rub from him counts as a gift you need to cut and run. Seriously dude, come up out yo pocket and buy a massage gift certificate from a spa. (photo credit)
Anything in a Ring Size Box that isn’t a Ring. Listen up dudes (if any of you are reading this), do not give a woman anything in a box that could be mistaken for a ring box. I know, I know, proposing on February 14th might be the cheesiest move in the world (no offense people who got engaged on the anniversary of a priest’s beheading, I’m sure yours was magical), but if any red-blooded American chick sees a ring box, she’s thinking the question shall be popped. Doesn’t matter if you’ve only been dating a hot minute. Heck it doesn’t even matter if you’ve been married for 25 years, you are playing with fire. (photo credit)
A Doll or Stuffed Animal. What are you, five? Even as a joke, a stuffed animal is dumb, and a doll is creepy. And for the record, an adult woman who wants a doll or a stuffed animal is a huge red flag. (photo credit)A T-shirt with a Picture of you Guys. I’m sure you guys are an adorably photogenic couple. Really, I am, but a shirt with a pic? Freaks. A pillowcase might be worse, a mug not quite as bad, but either way I think it’s a weird gift to give. (photo credit)
Anything You’re Allergic To. Maybe you’re allergic to peanuts and your box of chocolates clearly states the product may contain nuts, or maybe you’re allergic to baby’s breath and there are a few in your Valentine flower arrangement. Either way, you deserve a Valentine who knows what you’re allergic to and takes the appropriate steps to give you a gift that won’t kill you. Unless he is actually trying to kill you, it’s worth thinking about. (photo credit)
Valtrex. If I have to explain to you why you shouldn’t want a dude to give you a Valtrex prescription on Valentine’s Day, I don’t think we can be friends. Google it, just make sure you don’t click on “images”. (photo credit)
Okay ladies, its girl talk time, what’s the worst Valentine’s gift you’ve ever received? Leave it in the comments or tweet me @HotelFoxtrot. And for my fellow single gals who aren’t going to get diddlysquat, there’s always next year.
If you do in fact have a Valentine this year and you don’t want to give them a gift that sucks, check out Cupid’s Collection: 49 Gifts to Give and Receive This Valentine’s Day!